Once upon a time

"Once upon a time, I thought I was put on earth to save my sister. In the end, I couldn't do it. I realize now, that wasn't the point. The point was I had a sister. She was fantastic. One day I'm sure I'll see her again. But until then, our relationship continues."

The bebes.

Bebe: sounds like...shed-shed minus the "d"s

I figured I better put a happy post in here considering I only think to post when I'm very upset and need an outlet.

Right now I'm on my pediatrics rotation at a NICU. All the sweet little bebes....but I wish they were all ready to go home and not at the NICU :( They are very sweet though.

I saw a new momma in the elevator getting wheeled out I suppose to go home, but she didn't seem very happy so I wonder if her baby was in the NICU.

There are several sets of twins and even a set of triplets! I dont get to interact with the bebes very much, but I will get to more I believe as time goes on. Its my first week after all.

But it seems to be going well so far. I get to leave at 2:30 every day which is AMAZING! As opposed to 10-12 hour days which I was doing towards the end of my last rotation.....and that was no fun. And theres this amazing sandwich shop at the hospital. I had a pecan chicken salad sandwich that was yummy :)

Mom was here this past weekend. Not to see me. :) but I did get to see her!!! Some ladies came to big D for some shopping, and I got to join in for some of it, so I was glad I got to see her.

We went to "market" and there was a fur store there, and of course offered to pay for half of a fur coat if I could get it for christmas. It was a deal so I've got a fur coat that I'm gonna get for christmas! Well I guess it's leather with fur trim. Whatever. Tomato, tomato. But I made friends with one of the sales-guys because we went 2 days in a row and talked to him both days.

They are based in Aspen, how cool would it be to live some where around there? Anyway, he said he'd host if I ever got some people who wanted to go skiiing in aspen lol

Thats all!

If anything doesnt make sense or i completely use a wrong word, I've had a migraine for a greater part of the day and have taken some headache medicine that kinda makes me crazy.

THE END

Different things.

Things that I have envisioned or expected my entire life that will not be as expected.

The negativity blog.

1. Graduation

2. Wedding

3. My first baby (assuming)

4. Christmas

5. Adulthood

6. Vacations

7. Hosting the family wherever I end up

8. Picking my first house to buy

9. Moving......(again)

10. Asking advice about "guy" things

Thats enough for today.

To: Angry People in the Pharmacy

No, we don't set/change the price of your prescriptions. YOUr insurance does.

- in fact, by charging you more, we DON'T make more. Again, we arent setting the price. We arent seeing much of that money....

No, we don't deny your refills. YOUr physician does.

- if it were up to me, you could have as many refills as you wanted! A million refills? Sure!!! Anything you want!

No, we don't make your maintenance medications unavailable. The drug company does.

- Yes, I do know you need it. If it were up to me, your prescriptions would be available, and I personally would get it ready for you. However, my hands are tied up as to....that we don't even have any in the pharmacy. I'm not just withholding from you. I swear. No really. I swear.

No, we don't make you wait to fill your next prescription. Again, that's YOUr insurance company.

- Yes, if it were up to me, you could just fill whenever you wanted. Yep. Maybe you wanna stockpile for the next time your prescription becomes unavailable, thanks to the drug company for being dumb and not following the rules.

Ohhh what else.......

No, YOUr physician still hasnt called anything in for you. Or faxed. Or anything.

- Yes, I do believe you that your physician was going to call you in such and such strength of xanax and hydrocodone, however without a prescription, your doctor has tied up my hands. I cannot fill that.

-No, not even if YOU call and tell me you've spoken to the physician yourself. I still cannot fill it until I get a prescription.

- I know you're going through withdrawal, but quit calling to see if we got it.

- How about I call you instead.

Yes, one of your prescriptions is $14. Your insurance won't cover it 100%

- Although I wouldnt mind if you picked up the $14 along with the $0 one. I'm tired of being the only one between the two of us paying for your prescriptions.

Ok that will be all that I inform you about for today.

Just remember you are in control of your life and destiny. Here are some good examples of this

1. You chose your insurance (without reading the fine print that said they cover nothing).

- You shopping around for prescriptions (without first consulting a physician? The pharmacy can't give you a price until we run a prescription through your insurance. Wanna know a good way to know how much it would be? Call YOUr insurance. Ask THEM. They set the price, not us. Again, our hands are tied by the insurance.

2. You chose your physician (it is not my fault that he never gives refills because he's like to get a larger profit by making you come in more often. This may not be the case though. Some physicians ignore pharmacy requests for more refills. Even so, you chose him/her.)

3. You chose to take the prescriptions your doctor prescribed. Are you informed about your medications? Adverse reactions? Know why you are taking what you are? You can find all of this on the internet easily. Or as your pharmacist. We will tell you everything for free.

- Your doctor is not forcing you to take these medications. Be informed and make your decision.

Don't take your pharmacy (or even your physician) for granted. We are providing a service to you (that to tell you the truth, no one is forcing us to do). a SERVICE. Would you ever treat your masseuse that way? Nope, because they are providing a service to you that makes you FEEL good.

We are PROLONGING and increasing the QUALITY of your life. by a SERVICE we CHOSE to do. Then why do you act like we owe it to you? We don't. But we do it because we want to provide this service because we care about people.

I want to again emphasize that YOU are in control of YOUR life, YOUR insurance, YOUR physician.

Randomness

Mom and I are going to Santa Fe tomorrow, which I am really excited about! Spa....food....shopping.....yes. It will be wonderful!
Stories to telll.........hmmm havent got really good about myself so I'll tell you some about someone else.
A friend of mine, married a few years, was tenderizing steaks with that mallot thing, whatever it is called. Him and his father-in-law were talking and going on, when he suddenly asks his f-n-l "So, do you beat your meat?" :D

Another story about the same person.
They were cooking hot dogs out, and he was manning the grill when the pastor walks up. My friend says to him, "Sorry, I'd shake your hand but I've got weenie juice all over them!"

Sorry -- slightly crude, but oh so funny :)


"Direct your eyes to the obvious truth. Puppy-dog lies will not sweeten the truth. You whisper and scream but you can't refute. It's absolute."
Sounds negative....but sometimes you gotta face it like it is. Sometimes sugaring things over in you mind seems easier, but in the end it'll hurt longer if you do!
Sometimes the way things seem are really the way they are.
A good example is of when a boy loses interest in a girl, and what the girl goes through. She will play mind games with herself, extending the agony -- but while simply hoping.
So girls, sometimes better to just see the truth.


Other than that, I've been countin by 5's and savin lives.

The hood.

So mom and I took a walk around the block, being healthy and all.

And I'll just say if I wasnt from around here I'd wonder if I shouldn't feel completely safe walking in the neighborhood. Half or more of the houses are still as they were before, middle-class American with well kept yards.

The other half? Weeds, trash, paint chipping, cars parked IN THE GRASS, and basically just falling apart.

Very sad to see the neighborhood going so downhill.

Start rotation tomorrow at the rural pharmacy. wooo. Well not excited or anything, but at least I get to wear jeans.

We'll see how tomorrow goes!

Wide open spaces

So.

Finishing up school soon. Thank you Jesus. Well, for this year anyway. But not more classes! Only rotations!!! Again, thank you, Jesus.

Moving back to west texas for 6 weeks........hopefully that will go well. Excited/nervous. I know by the end I'll be ready to come back I'm sure.

So what to do to keep me occupied while I'm there.

1. Try to go through ALL of my notes and review everything to get ready for all the rotations.
2. Work out (and get mom walkin!)
3. Learn how to cook some new stuff
Ummm running out of things to do.....
4. Work in the yard and try to get everything fixed up.
hmmmmmmmmmm

Yeah thats all I can think of. Any ideas Lauren?

Looking forward to it. I hope it goes better than I'm imagining though!


And wondering how the cat will do in the car.....

Wanting to join a cult.

And that cult is Crossfit.

Right now....my plan is after I get back from my 6 weeks at home (which I plan on making myself getting into better shape by runnin all over the place! -- we'll see if that works out) to join a crossfit gym.

People I know who have done crossfit for a year (or less!) are in AMAZING shape. Not only do they look good, but they are trained like an athlete. As opposed to the masses of jacked up people at the gym who look great but would die if they had to do some kind of intense athletic performance outside of the gym. I find myself frustrated a lot with how out of shape I feel, get out of breath when doing what used to be normal activities for me!

And I figure if I need an outlet to get obsessed with something, why not something healthy?

There are a few cons however. All of the gyms are equally about 30 minutes from where I live. And...its not free. I'm used to paying 15$ a month for a gym membership....for a crossfit membership (which includes the training as well -- hence the increased cost) is ~$100/month (this includes student discount).

All in all though....i think the benefits are worth it.

Now if I can just actually make myself do it. It's.....pretty intense workouts. And I know NO ONE does well when just beginning. Can I just skip to the "I'm in super shape" part? Maybe I can get someone to join with me. :)

Lauren? Wanna move to dallas and crossfit? Oh and btw, after doing some research, theres one in Sugarland as well. So if I happen to move there, I hope you'll go with me :D Year round...sic-fit bikini bods. lol



Well, this is the first thing i've been inspired/excited about in a good long while. Maybe I'm breaking through the numbness. I hope anyway!


So there it is. I want to join the Crossfit Cult.

Old mirrors

I'm sure everyone has this. Surely anyway.

Memories that when you think of them you feel sad, but really it's more of a longing for them because they are so wonderful.

Right now (of course) I'm longing for my childhood again. Reliving memories over and over in my mind because I want them again so badly.

An old mirror with all of those shadows and imperfections that come with age recently took me back to spending the night with my grandparents. This always included playing in her closet, bubble baths, the fireplace being on no matter the time of year, and OJ (always on hand since grandad had diabetes) and old-fashioned oatmeal for breakfast before we went home with the parents.

Flipping channels and quickly going by the travel channel featuring "Disney Vacations" triggered a memory that I had to ask mom if this was a real memory. I was really really little when we went to Disneyland, and we went to this thing called something like an electric light parade that's after dark. All i remember is this giant light catapillar that reminded me of my sisters glow worm.

I'm not really sure what triggered this, I remember the only time I ever heard my dad cry in a child-like way, and it was when we were going out to the farm to bury our dog Trixie. I dont know if I'll ever be able to find that tree myself, it was near some tail water pit. I guess it doesnt matter. I just hate that I dont know.

What about all the lost memories? I wish I had one of those mis-wired brains sometimes that files everything away, and is easily accessible no matter when no matter what.


I know I am so lucky to have had these memories. How can they be so painful then? I wish thinking of them brought me joy right now. In a sense they do, but mostly just sadness that they're gone never to re-live.

You know, this really isn't fair. All I can say is that I'm not ready. A little late I guess.

DABDA

Inpatient

So I figured out why really suddenly I'm back to thinking about it all the time and being pretty sad and having daily crying episodes.

In theory, I knew that inpatient rotation could upset me, but I didnt know what to expect. It is in an ICU, which dad was in for a year. After the first day I knew it upset me to go in an ICU for the first time since, but decided since then that it didn't bother me.

Survived this week, only to have a not so bueno weekend, being pretty sad and thinking about the past year constantly. Apparently the ICU and patients that I've been assigned really are getting to me. I've been blocking my thinking about this, and this is forcing me to face some of this stuff all over again. One of my patients I'm following I am scared to find out what's gone on over the weekend. If the worst has happened, I dont know how I'll react.

So I emailed my preceptor and explained the situation since I know she probably didnt know, and I didnt want her to think that my attitude was due to laziness or just not caring. I almost wish I could just get moved to something else....ANYTHING else....like surgery or something. I know I will get less sensitive to this stuff, but man, the wound hasnt scabbed over like I thought it had yet.

I know she's not going to be happy with my patient workup....but I just really don't even wanna look at their chart or think about it.

My kitty lost a tooth today. Had no clue that cats "teethed".

Because it's nightime

And this is what goes through my head at night time.

In terms of life in general, the rug has been pulled out from under me.
Just gettin this out into whatever space it ends up (and Lauren), just have to get it out there.

Alice through the looking glass.....down the rabbit hole...whichever you prefer.
Or drunk dumbo maybe. -- pretty frightening.

If you can imagine these images and how they make you feel, thats how life feels when i stop a moment and think about it.

I'm in my life, but its something completely new and unrecognizable. There is no comfort zone to fall back on.

I know someday "normal" will feel normal. but for now it does not and things just feel unstable. drunk dumbo and alice in wonderland.


The end.

"It's life Jim, but not as we know it" --- star trek fyi....I know it from a song...don't actually watch it.

Day 5 of my captivity

Today my day began with being trapped, yet again, in the cold torture chamber of solitude. My captor seems to think by placing me where she stores her food will somehow intimidate me into submission. I will not submit. Then I was forced into a cage hardly bigger than myself for what seemed like days, only to escape it to enter another hell. I'm not exactly sure what the purpose of the place was, but I could hear other prisoners screaming in terror and pain. Only to experience some of the horror myself. A man entered with teeth bared. Before I knew what was happening, he had a cold rod shoved in where things should only exit. As if that wasn't enough to humiliate me, he stabbed me in the back, forcing what only can be acid under my flesh.

The rest of the day I have had no energy, and just feel poopie. The acid is burning me from the inside out. Starting with my soul.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow I will escape.

--Toffee

By suggestion of Lauren......

Da blog. Hmmmm. Not sure exactly how I feel about this here. I think to successfully blog, one has to believe that others desire to read what's to be said. So I will be pretending that everyone wants to read this until, someday, I've finally tricked myself into believing this.

Other blogs I've read simply discuss the day to day activities, which sometimes re-examined are amusing. Others deal with big important issues. A good...deep...one is http://www.theangrypharmacist.com

Pretty enjoyable.

So...since my life is consumed with my new kitty, Toffee, this will be my first topic.

Why Toffee is smarter than a dog:

1. Hasn't had a single "accident." Went straight to using the kitty litter


2. She can bathe herself.


3. She knows when its safe to bite the tip of my nose. (when I'm sleeping)


4. Innately curious about EVERYTHING, which is a quick way to learn about everything.


5. She's only 3 months old, and has figured out how to get on top of my pretty darn tall bed, on top of the bathroom counter, and pretty much everywhere else she wants to go.


6. Did I mention she hasn't had any accidents and I don't have to take her outside to do her business?


7. She's very health conscious. I have a basket of tootsie rolls...and 1 by 1 she is hiding them around my apartment so that I don't eat them. And I do appreciate her care.


8. She can chase a laser-pointer like there's no tomorrow. A sure sign of intelligence.

Why Toffee is as dumb as a dog (because dogs would do this too.....so she's not dumb-er):

1. She gets in the fridge. And has been shut in there for awhile until I've realized I couldn't find her.


2. She doesn't know the difference between when the lid is open or shut on the toilet. I have caught her mid-air a couple times before she landed in the toilet.


3. She has fallen in the shower....while it was on.


4. She sometimes thinks playtime is 2 am. And Jill is playing dead. And you wake her from the dead by jumping on her.


5. She chews on my shoes.

Well that's enough for now. She's constantly making me laugh though. She's young enough to not quite have the full grace of a cat.

End of post 1.