Wanting to join a cult.

And that cult is Crossfit.

Right now....my plan is after I get back from my 6 weeks at home (which I plan on making myself getting into better shape by runnin all over the place! -- we'll see if that works out) to join a crossfit gym.

People I know who have done crossfit for a year (or less!) are in AMAZING shape. Not only do they look good, but they are trained like an athlete. As opposed to the masses of jacked up people at the gym who look great but would die if they had to do some kind of intense athletic performance outside of the gym. I find myself frustrated a lot with how out of shape I feel, get out of breath when doing what used to be normal activities for me!

And I figure if I need an outlet to get obsessed with something, why not something healthy?

There are a few cons however. All of the gyms are equally about 30 minutes from where I live. And...its not free. I'm used to paying 15$ a month for a gym membership....for a crossfit membership (which includes the training as well -- hence the increased cost) is ~$100/month (this includes student discount).

All in all though....i think the benefits are worth it.

Now if I can just actually make myself do it. It's.....pretty intense workouts. And I know NO ONE does well when just beginning. Can I just skip to the "I'm in super shape" part? Maybe I can get someone to join with me. :)

Lauren? Wanna move to dallas and crossfit? Oh and btw, after doing some research, theres one in Sugarland as well. So if I happen to move there, I hope you'll go with me :D Year round...sic-fit bikini bods. lol



Well, this is the first thing i've been inspired/excited about in a good long while. Maybe I'm breaking through the numbness. I hope anyway!


So there it is. I want to join the Crossfit Cult.

Old mirrors

I'm sure everyone has this. Surely anyway.

Memories that when you think of them you feel sad, but really it's more of a longing for them because they are so wonderful.

Right now (of course) I'm longing for my childhood again. Reliving memories over and over in my mind because I want them again so badly.

An old mirror with all of those shadows and imperfections that come with age recently took me back to spending the night with my grandparents. This always included playing in her closet, bubble baths, the fireplace being on no matter the time of year, and OJ (always on hand since grandad had diabetes) and old-fashioned oatmeal for breakfast before we went home with the parents.

Flipping channels and quickly going by the travel channel featuring "Disney Vacations" triggered a memory that I had to ask mom if this was a real memory. I was really really little when we went to Disneyland, and we went to this thing called something like an electric light parade that's after dark. All i remember is this giant light catapillar that reminded me of my sisters glow worm.

I'm not really sure what triggered this, I remember the only time I ever heard my dad cry in a child-like way, and it was when we were going out to the farm to bury our dog Trixie. I dont know if I'll ever be able to find that tree myself, it was near some tail water pit. I guess it doesnt matter. I just hate that I dont know.

What about all the lost memories? I wish I had one of those mis-wired brains sometimes that files everything away, and is easily accessible no matter when no matter what.


I know I am so lucky to have had these memories. How can they be so painful then? I wish thinking of them brought me joy right now. In a sense they do, but mostly just sadness that they're gone never to re-live.

You know, this really isn't fair. All I can say is that I'm not ready. A little late I guess.

DABDA

Inpatient

So I figured out why really suddenly I'm back to thinking about it all the time and being pretty sad and having daily crying episodes.

In theory, I knew that inpatient rotation could upset me, but I didnt know what to expect. It is in an ICU, which dad was in for a year. After the first day I knew it upset me to go in an ICU for the first time since, but decided since then that it didn't bother me.

Survived this week, only to have a not so bueno weekend, being pretty sad and thinking about the past year constantly. Apparently the ICU and patients that I've been assigned really are getting to me. I've been blocking my thinking about this, and this is forcing me to face some of this stuff all over again. One of my patients I'm following I am scared to find out what's gone on over the weekend. If the worst has happened, I dont know how I'll react.

So I emailed my preceptor and explained the situation since I know she probably didnt know, and I didnt want her to think that my attitude was due to laziness or just not caring. I almost wish I could just get moved to something else....ANYTHING else....like surgery or something. I know I will get less sensitive to this stuff, but man, the wound hasnt scabbed over like I thought it had yet.

I know she's not going to be happy with my patient workup....but I just really don't even wanna look at their chart or think about it.

My kitty lost a tooth today. Had no clue that cats "teethed".

Because it's nightime

And this is what goes through my head at night time.

In terms of life in general, the rug has been pulled out from under me.
Just gettin this out into whatever space it ends up (and Lauren), just have to get it out there.

Alice through the looking glass.....down the rabbit hole...whichever you prefer.
Or drunk dumbo maybe. -- pretty frightening.

If you can imagine these images and how they make you feel, thats how life feels when i stop a moment and think about it.

I'm in my life, but its something completely new and unrecognizable. There is no comfort zone to fall back on.

I know someday "normal" will feel normal. but for now it does not and things just feel unstable. drunk dumbo and alice in wonderland.


The end.

"It's life Jim, but not as we know it" --- star trek fyi....I know it from a song...don't actually watch it.

Day 5 of my captivity

Today my day began with being trapped, yet again, in the cold torture chamber of solitude. My captor seems to think by placing me where she stores her food will somehow intimidate me into submission. I will not submit. Then I was forced into a cage hardly bigger than myself for what seemed like days, only to escape it to enter another hell. I'm not exactly sure what the purpose of the place was, but I could hear other prisoners screaming in terror and pain. Only to experience some of the horror myself. A man entered with teeth bared. Before I knew what was happening, he had a cold rod shoved in where things should only exit. As if that wasn't enough to humiliate me, he stabbed me in the back, forcing what only can be acid under my flesh.

The rest of the day I have had no energy, and just feel poopie. The acid is burning me from the inside out. Starting with my soul.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow I will escape.

--Toffee

By suggestion of Lauren......

Da blog. Hmmmm. Not sure exactly how I feel about this here. I think to successfully blog, one has to believe that others desire to read what's to be said. So I will be pretending that everyone wants to read this until, someday, I've finally tricked myself into believing this.

Other blogs I've read simply discuss the day to day activities, which sometimes re-examined are amusing. Others deal with big important issues. A good...deep...one is http://www.theangrypharmacist.com

Pretty enjoyable.

So...since my life is consumed with my new kitty, Toffee, this will be my first topic.

Why Toffee is smarter than a dog:

1. Hasn't had a single "accident." Went straight to using the kitty litter


2. She can bathe herself.


3. She knows when its safe to bite the tip of my nose. (when I'm sleeping)


4. Innately curious about EVERYTHING, which is a quick way to learn about everything.


5. She's only 3 months old, and has figured out how to get on top of my pretty darn tall bed, on top of the bathroom counter, and pretty much everywhere else she wants to go.


6. Did I mention she hasn't had any accidents and I don't have to take her outside to do her business?


7. She's very health conscious. I have a basket of tootsie rolls...and 1 by 1 she is hiding them around my apartment so that I don't eat them. And I do appreciate her care.


8. She can chase a laser-pointer like there's no tomorrow. A sure sign of intelligence.

Why Toffee is as dumb as a dog (because dogs would do this too.....so she's not dumb-er):

1. She gets in the fridge. And has been shut in there for awhile until I've realized I couldn't find her.


2. She doesn't know the difference between when the lid is open or shut on the toilet. I have caught her mid-air a couple times before she landed in the toilet.


3. She has fallen in the shower....while it was on.


4. She sometimes thinks playtime is 2 am. And Jill is playing dead. And you wake her from the dead by jumping on her.


5. She chews on my shoes.

Well that's enough for now. She's constantly making me laugh though. She's young enough to not quite have the full grace of a cat.

End of post 1.